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lyrics

Well elves are evil suckers, yeah they just don't give a damn
They always smell just like cardboard, they've all got shaky little hands
Their voices are obnoxious, they'll never wipe their feet
They'll scratch up all your records and pick their tiny little teeth

Elves are evil mothers, they'll kick you when you're down
They're always spitting out their food and stealing from the lost and found
Elves don't care about your feelings, they smoke while pumping gas
They'll call you names when you approach and try to trip you when you pass

Kids all love elves, you know it's true
But they're real pricks, I'm telling you
Honestly their sense of humor is a little homophobic
They make my mom uncomfortable and creep around aerobics class
They still believe in Santa Claus
And they leave a trail of grease everywhere they go

Kids all love elves, you know it's true
But they're real pricks, I'm telling you
They'll always cheat at scrabble using foreign elvish phrases
They'l steal your cash and spend it all on chocolate covered raisins
They're naughty, naughty, naughty
Playing Jingle Bells everywhere they go

Now I am not a hateful man, I don't like to fight
I've been around this great big world and most of us seem to be all right
I believe in brotherhood, I love the universe
But elves are evil sons of bitches and when they drink they only get worse

Oh elves are evil bastards, they'll throw up in your car
They're carriers of strange diseases, they'll try to fight you at the bar
Elves are plotting destruction every hour of the day
And once they get ahold of you they'll never go away

credits

from Keep the Crux in Christmas (2015), released December 22, 2015

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